Controlled by the “game”

leyI didn’t want to play the game anymore. I didn’t want to do what he was asking me to do; I didn’t want to touch him in those places anymore, but who could I tell? Who would believe me? They would only say it was my fault; after all, I agreed to play the game… Soon after the abuse started we moved houses and I didn’t see him anymore. All of this happened back home in Brazil.

And as if keeping this horrible secret wasn’t bad enough, the relationship between my mother and I was horrible. I looked to her as someone that I could confide in but I couldn’t. There was just coldness between us. I never knew what it was like to have the love of a mother.

Growing up like this, I started to do things that weren’t good. I started stealing; at first they were just toys, but then I moved on to money. I would get into fights at school and then I got involved with boys; at the age of nine, I had two boyfriends at the same time. However, it wasn’t a childish relationship with just holding hands, but something deeper than that.

I was so unhappy that I constantly sought for things to fill me, to make me happy; something that would give me peace. I didn’t have peace because I used to hear voices, see shadows and have nightmares. I became suicidal and contemplated killing myself, but I never did it because I knew it would hurt. Home was another battle. My parents fought all the time and would break things in the house.

When we moved to London, leaving my friends behind, I had nothing or anyone and so I found refuge in pornography. Seeing the things that I saw and having the sensations that I had, I developed the desire to become a prostitute. My mind was so polluted by all the things I watched that whenever I saw couples, I would immediately imagine them in a pornographic scene. My mind was filthy! And it was non-stop.

Then my parents started attending the UCKG HelpCentre and thats how I found out that everything that was happening to me used to happen to my mother! She was sexually abused as a child, had a bad relationship with her mother, used to steal, had boyfriends at a really young age, was addicted to pornography and she also had desire to become a prostitute. It was a generational curse!

I knew that God was real the day I told Him, “If You are real, if Your words are true and my life really can change, I will do everything You say.” That was the beginning of my transformation. My attitude began to change; I let go of pornography, bad friendships, the boys and everything! My parents also started to change. Their marriage wasn’t so volatile anymore.

Then when the “Born and Bred for War” Campaign of Israel was announced, my entire family took part to change our lives. Though we were afraid of giving up the things we loved, our faith was to go all the way! We sold these things (for example, my DSI and my guitar), and my mother and I made sweets and started selling them, which gave us an opportunity to bond. We did our part in the Campaign, now it was up to God. After presenting our vow, I noticed that I didn’t want to watch pornography anymore!

I used to live for it before but now, that desire was gone! Even my parents changed! They became like newlyweds again. The fighting stopped and the house became peaceful.

Then, when a purpose called the 21-Day Fast of Daniel was announced, I took part because I wanted to have the character of God. Giving up all kinds of entertainment, I sought God with all my strength and then I received His seal.

Before I was bound by complexes and even dressed like a boy because of the traumas I had suffered growing up but through the help of God, all that changed. I became confident and comfortable in my own skin! I left my past where it belonged- in the past! Today my life and my family are completely transformed!

We all know God and are using our lives to serve Him.

Leidiany Barbosa